As we close the month of September discussing how to help children who may be living in unusually hard circumstances, I interviewed biblical counselor Alyssa Cathers, M.A., who specializes in counseling children and families. She is part of Foundations Christian Counseling in Brodheadsville, Pennsylvania and is also an online adjunct instructor through Bob Jones University Seminary. She is married to Glen and has four children and six grandchildren.
Q. How did you decide to work in this particular field involving counseling children?I have always loved being around children. I started my career as an elementary teacher for seven years and then was the Director of Christian Education and Youth in my church. While working with teens and hearing their struggles, I felt God’s call for being a biblical counselor. I decided to retire as a teacher and go back for my master’s degree. After I made this commitment, God provided all the money I needed to pay for my education. God is so good!
Q. The following is Wikipedia’s definition of dysfunctional families: “Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of two adults, one typically overtly abusive and the other codependent, and may also be affected by addictions (such as substance abuse - e.g. drugs, including alcohol), or sometimes by an untreated mental illness.” I’m thinking dysfunction is a lot more elaborate than this, but what would you say? How would you describe family dysfunction?
To say it simply, family dysfunction occurs when a man and/or woman goes against God’s design for families. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh,” (Genesis 2:24, ESV). Going against this design often leads to teen pregnancies, single parent families, and/or children with no responsible primary caretakers.
Family dysfunction will also exist when the mother and father do not put God first in their family. The cord of three strands, as described in Ecclesiastes 4:12, is a great way to describe a godly marriage that includes the wife’s cord, husband’s cord, and God’s cord. Each family needs God’s sanctifying power and grace in order to lead godly lives that are not spoiled by worldly desires.
As the husband and wife have children, they are instructed to teach their children about God’s ways: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise,” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). There are far-reaching consequences of going against God’s design for families, seeking after worldly desires, and not training and raising our children in God’s ways.
Q. As Christians, we know that sin has affected all aspects of life—even in the best families. Are there a lot of hidden “dysfunctional” families in the church?
You will find all types of families in the church. Some churches create a very welcoming and open environment for families to share their burdens and struggles, while other churches have an atmosphere where families feel they have to “keep it together.” The churches that are intentional in mentoring and encouraging others will alleviate the need to keep dysfunction “hidden.” They will give the message that “we are all in this together” as fellow sinners/sufferers.
Q. Speak to Christian parents about what is important for them to remember as they parent. How can they stay on track?
Parenting is a difficult job and we need to be intentional about it. We spend a lot of time planning for the baby shower and getting ready for the baby to arrive, but we often miss planning for the rest of his or her life. Parents need to be intentional when raising their children rather than putting out fires. We need to be careful to not be taken “captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, and not according to Christ,” (Colossians 2:8).
I recommend that parents come together and create a biblical parenting philosophy. This philosophy will help them decide on what they are aiming for in parenting. They will want to search the Scriptures and see what God’s Word instructs them to do. Some areas for parents to focus on might be:
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- Evangelism—how will you share the gospel on each child’s level and live out your faith in front of them?
- Sanctification—how can you help your child become more like Jesus?
- Proactive parenting—how will you be intentional about loving and checking in on the struggles your children may be facing?
- Responding to sin—how will you discipline your child? How will you get to the heart of the matter?
- Nourishing your marriage and relationship with Christ—how will you remain close as a couple through the busy years of child-rearing and further your walk with Jesus?
Q. There will be times of suffering that arise in family situations. How should parents help children to handle these times?
Children respond to suffering in different ways. Some children become clingy and will find reassurance through your physical touch and presence. Others may try to wrap their minds around what happened by asking repeated questions. These children will benefit from your honesty and patience in answering their questions. Still others may withdraw and block things out with cell phones, video games, and technology. You may decide to allow your children to be on these gadgets, but you will want to limit this with a timer and reconnect with them afterwards. You could also play alongside of them and start up a conversation. Some children may become angry and take things out on others. It’s important to maintain discipline and normal activities. You may try to help this child recognize his feelings and what’s happening in his heart to trigger the anger. Most importantly we need to introduce our children to Jesus and His perfect care through suffering.
Here are some biblical truths to share with your children:
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- God sent Jesus into the world to “bind up the brokenhearted,” (Isaiah 61:1). When you feel like your heart is broken, Jesus puts the pieces back together with His love.
- Jesus was “deeply moved in His spirit and greatly troubled” when He saw His friend Mary and the crowd crying over her brother Lazarus who had died. He cared about their suffering and cried with them (John 11:33-35). When you are sad, Jesus cries with you, too, and cares about your pain.
- Jesus wasn’t too busy when parents asked Him to pray for their children (Matthew 19:13-15). Jesus wants to spend time with you too. You can do this by reading His Word in the Bible and praying. You might write out a letter to Jesus and tell Him what you are going through.
- Jesus told us that, “…In the world you will have tribulation [which means trouble]. But take heart; I have overcome the world,” (John 16:33). We can have peace knowing that our good God is in control of the hard times.
Q. We are in an unusual time right now with adults struggling to cope with fear over the pandemic and other crises in our nation. How is this affecting children and what can parents do to help their children cope?
Children are affected by worrisome situations in similar ways as adults. They feel insecure and want things to be back to normal. The lockdown situations and social distancing created a breakdown of connections with grandparents, friends, and school. Children thrive on the security of routines and their schedules were disrupted. Some children are uneasy about what the virus will do, fear death, are frustrated about their activities being cancelled, and wonder if bad guys will come in their homes and hurt them or start riots in their neighborhood.
In worrisome times, children seek reassurance, want to know what’s going on, and want things to go back to normal. Children may seem to “bop in and then quickly bop out” of dealing with the difficult situation. They may ask you a question for reassurance, listen for a minute, and just as you are gearing up for a meaningful conversation they “bop out” and go play. Keep your explanations short, truthful, and finish with reassuring them that our good and powerful God loves them and knows how to solve big problems. We should ask Him for help. Teens may need to be drawn out, so you could ask them what their thoughts are about Covid-19 and the riots. Point them to Scriptures like Isaiah 41:13: “For I the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I am the one who helps you.’”
Other ideas: children take cues from their parents (show them how to trust God through the hard times); always be truthful and share things on their developmental level; try to maintain routines even if they are new routines; limit your children’s exposure to news; help them express their thoughts and feelings using tools such as puppets, action figures, Play-doh, journals; connect as a family with family meetings or special parent-child times together.
Q. There will be parents who look to the church and Scripture to help them. But what can the church do to help the children whose parents continue to live in dysfunction or may even withdraw from church?
The church has a unique opportunity to come alongside families who struggle and help to make lasting changes happen. The church needs to begin with forming relationships with the families in need whether they are inside the church or within the community. Here are some practical ways that you can reach out to a family today.
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- Step out of your comfort zone and welcome an “unchurched” family
- Call a struggling mom or dad and be a listening ear and pray with him/her
- Pursue a relationship with a family member who seems stressed and ask how you can help
- Offer to go through a parenting Bible study with them
- Provide a meal, babysitting, tutoring, cleaning, yard work, etc.
- Refer families to a local Christ-centered counseling center that will help both the children and parents. Foundations Christian Counseling www.foundchristcounsel.org is a good example for those living in northeastern Pennsylvania.
Q. Should the local church be reaching outside of itself into the community to help children? How?
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- “And he said to them, ‘Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation,’” (Mark 16:15).
- “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another,” (John 13:35).
Jesus tells us to “Go.” He wants us to share the gospel with all people. This is especially true for the family who is the training ground for God’s good work—which we do in love. When we love, we give others a small taste of who God is because “God is love,” (1 John 4:16).
The church’s job is to be the body of Christ to the outside world. This is the time to reach out in creative ways. Maybe drop a care package on the doorstep of a single mom, or backpacks of school supplies and healthy snacks for families. The church could purchase Bibles for children and teens and deliver them to the surrounding neighborhood. They could provide a Kids’ Club for the children and invite the parents to a social gathering or parenting Bible study. There are many ways to reach out to families.
Q. What are some good resources for parents and church workers to help them understand and minister to children living in difficult situations?
The following are great resources that have been helpful to me as I minister to children, teens, and parents:
Responding to Conflict God’s Way:
The Young Peacemaker by Corlette Sande (Intermediate & Middle School Level)
Anxiety
Quinn’s Promise Rock by Christie Thomas (Ages 3-7)
A Student’s Guide to Anxiety by Edward T. Welch (Teens)
Anger/Rebellion:
The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo (Instructional book for parents)
Jax’s Tail Twitches, Editor David Powlison (Ages 5-8)
The Flyaway Kite by Steve Bjorkman (Ages 3+)
Grief & Loss:
Quinn Says Goodbye by Christie Thomas (Ages 3-7)
Henry Says Good-Bye, Editor Edward T. Welch (Ages 5-8)
Divorce:
I Don’t Want to Talk About It by Jeanie Franz Ransom (Ages 4-8. This is a secular children’s book, but I like using it to ask the children what animal they feel like because of their parents’ divorce and then they paint it.)
God’s Design for Sex:
God Made All of Me: A Book to Help Children Protect Their Bodies by Justin Holcomb (Ages 2-8)
The Talk- 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality by Luke Gilkerson (Ages 6-10)
The Talk, CHANGES-7 Biblical Lessons to Make Sense of Puberty by Luke & Trisha Gilkerson (Ages 8-12)
The Talk, Relationships-11 Lessons to Give Kids a Greater Understanding of Biblical Sexuality by Luke & Trisha Gilkerson (Ages 11-14)
Instructional Books for People Who Work with Children/Teens: (These are just coming out so I haven’t read them yet, but they are by prominent people in the field of biblical counseling and children/teens)
Caring For The Souls Of Children- A Biblical Counselor’s Manual, Editor Amy Baker
Building Bridges: Biblical Counseling Activities for Children and Teens by Julie Lowe
Q. Tell us about the books you have written to help children
Anxious Abby and The Camp Trust Challenge- Bible Truths for Kids Who Worry (Ages 6-12)
Join the adventure as Abby goes to Camp Trust for her first overnight camp. Spot the Worries filling up Abby’s backpack. Will she make it through the panic of leaving her parents? What is the shadow she sees in her cabin window? Will she throw up during softball practice? Come take the Camp Trust Challenge. Find out if the Trusting Tigers can beat the Wily Wolverines at the big game. It’s time to hit that fear outta here!
I created this picture book as a tool for parents, pastors, teachers, and counselors to use when supporting a child who worries. Families enjoy reading about Abby’s adventures while they learn to understand the abstract concept of anxiety. Throughout the story there are biblical counseling strategies to help children through worries, with the addition of a Coaching Kids letter, Homerun Helps, Note from Coach Courage, and four “Your Turn” extension activities.
Purchase this book through: www.AnxiousAbby.com
For additional help go to: www.facebook.com/anxiousabby
Abby and Frankie’s Help for the Hard Stuff- Hurricanes and Other Natural Disasters
(for families to do together; geared toward ages 6-12)
I also created a workbook for children who have been through a natural or manmade disaster that could include a flood, fire, hurricane, tornado, and so on. This workbook is not for sale, but I give it out to families who would like some biblical support for what they have been through. I am seeking supporters of this ministry. If you are interested in donating to this ministry or know someone who could use a copy of the workbook, you can email me at acathers@foundchristcounsel.org.
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