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There is no doubt that elements of our humanistic culture have seeped into Bible-believing churches. This shows itself in a multitude of ways, but certainly failing marriages is one of the most common.  There are many tattered remnants of former marriages among congregant members and their children, and still more facing the prospect of impending divorce.

“ There are many tattered remnants of former marriages among congregant members and their children, and still more facing the prospect of impending divorce. ”

Although marriage statistics can be easily manipulated—and sometimes lack credibility in research methods—here are some commonly accepted and reliable stats on marriage: According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), the divorce rate in the U.S. as of 2014 is 3.2 per 1,000 people. This does not differentiate between first and subsequent marriages. Researchers generally estimate that between 40 and 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce; 41 percent of first marriages, 60 percent of second marriages, and 73 percent of third marriages. The United States has the sixth highest divorce rate in the world.

Here’s an interesting one: It is estimated that every 13 seconds, there is a divorce in America. That means that based on wedding vows taking about two minutes to recite, nine divorces occur in the same amount of time. Another one I thought was particularly interesting—according to researchers at Bowling Green State University, the divorce rate among people 50 and older has doubled in the past 20 years.

“ Researchers generally estimate that between 40 and 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. ”

I have heard it said that the divorce rate inside the church is the same as the rest of the world. However,  Glenn Stanton, author and Director of Global Family Formation Studies at Focus on the Family, says that is a popular, but inaccurate myth. He writes “Based on the best data available, the divorce rate among Christians is significantly lower than the general population.” This is substantiated by a secular study that showed divorce is 14 percent less likely among those having strong religious beliefs and 14 percent more likely among those who have no religious affiliation. 

Professor Bradley Wright, a sociologist at the University of Connecticut, says that from data he has collected, 60 percent of people who identify as Christians but rarely attend church have been divorced, as opposed to only 38 percent of those who attend church regularly. In his book Christians Are Hate-Filled Hypocrites…and Other Lies You’ve Been Told, Wright states that Catholic couples were 31 percent less likely to divorce than the general population, Protestant couples 35 percent less likely, and Jewish couples 97 percent less likely.

“ That means that based on wedding vows taking about two minutes to recite, nine divorces occur in the same amount of time. ”

 

There are certain areas (i.e., counties) where the divorce rates of professing Christians do equal those of non-Christians; but often in such cases, the data indicates that these self-identified Christians tend to be members of mainline traditions rather than evangelical Christian groups and they also tend not to be regular church goers (Dr. Bradford Wilcox, Director of the National Marriage Project).

“ As the Christ-appointed light bearers to the sinful world around us, what is the message we are sending when we can’t keep our marriages together? ”

Even in view of these more enlightening statistics, there is no joy in the fact that so many divorces are occurring among believers. As the Christ-appointed light bearers to the sinful world around us, what is the message we are sending when we can’t keep our marriages together—the very symbol of the Church’s relationship with Christ Himself? 

Shaunti Feldhahn, researcher, author, and speaker, writes in her book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, that “53 percent of Very Happy Couples agree with the statement, ‘God is at the center of our marriage,’” as compared to only 7 percent of “Struggling Couples.” Thirty percent of “Struggling Couples” disagree with that same statement. Feldhahn writes: “Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness.”

“ Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness. ”

 

Linda Waite, University of Chicago sociologist, and others from American Values Institute published results from their study Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages in 2002. They indicated that two-thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced. Waite believes that “the benefits of divorce have been oversold” and cause couples to give up too soon. 

Tim Keller includes these conclusions in his book, The Meaning of Marriage and goes on to emphasize the importance of honoring the vows made at the beginning of marriage—the importance of honoring God by keeping those vows and being obedient to Him above all temptations that may come our way. There may come times, Keller says, when the conflicts of our hearts and minds make no sense to us; but if you choose to “only obey God’s word when it seems reasonable or profitable to you—well, that isn’t really obedience at all. Obedience means you cede someone an authority over you that is there even when you don’t agree with him. God’s law is for times of temptation…” (Keller, p. 265).

“ Two-thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced. ”

 

But what should you do if a spouse refuses to be obedient to the vows of your marriage, and for whatever reasons, leaves it? Sometimes, a spouse may leave the marriage emotionally or stop providing financially. A spouse may even cease all affection and intimacies, and yet continue to live in the same house, keeping up a public appearance of being present to the marriage. There are so many scenarios of “leaving” that ultimately result in divorce. But are these biblically permitted situations for divorce? 

Again, Keller points out that Jesus said you can’t divorce for just any reason you desire (Matthew 19:4-9). “By quoting Genesis 2:24, [Jesus] confirms that marriage is a covenant. It is not a casual relationship that can be discarded easily. It creates a strong new unity that may only be broken under very serious conditions. But he goes on to say that these serious conditions do exist, because of ‘the hardness of your hearts.’ That means that sometimes human hearts become so hard because of sin that it leads a spouse into a severe violation of the covenant, without prospects of repentance and healing, and in such cases divorce is permitted.” As Keller goes on to point out, one case would be adultery, and another is willful desertion (1st Corinthians 7:15).

“ Marriage is a covenant... not a casual relationship that can be discarded easily. ”

 

Obviously, there will be some extent of divorce occurring in the church, and there will be divorced people and their children among church attenders. Children are the innocent victims of divorce and the church needs to play a strong role in ministering to them. A 1992 Newsweek article titled “Breaking the Divorce Cycle” discusses how children of divorced parents carry “deep wounds into their own adult lives. …While many of them report successful marriage and happy lives, their emotional wounds run deep—and time does not always heal.” The article quotes Claire Berman, author of Adult Children of Divorce Speak Out: “There is a sense of having missed out on something that is a birthright, the right to grow up in a house with two parents.”

Almost 30 years later, this two-parents-in-a-home idea has greatly diminished. It just may be due largely to divorce being so commonplace, and the fact that more people are now parenting without marrying. Nearly half of babies born in the U.S. are born to single women. This is even more reason for the church to become involved and supportive of the children of single parents. I can immediately think of three men in my church who made a point of coming to the sports events in which my children participated and who took an interest in what they did. One of these became so involved with my younger four children that they thought of him as a surrogate grandfather.

“ There is a sense of having missed out on something that is a birthright, the right to grow up in a house with two parents. ”

 

So what about those going through divorce or who are already divorced in our church families? How can the church step up to the plate to minister to them? Laura Petherbridge, author and speaker on topics concerning marriage enhancement and divorce recovery and prevention, has listed “10 Things I Wish Church Leaders Knew About Divorce.” I believe every Christian has a responsibility to understand the hurting among their brothers and sisters in Christ. Reading these points may be a starting point: 

  1. Divorce is a death. Regardless of the circumstance, divorce signifies the fatality of the marriage vow. It’s the death of the dream, the breaking of the covenant, and the ending of ‘what should have been.’…
  2. Divorce is a soul-entrenched betrayal. It’s rejection like no other. The person you thought would be your lifetime partner, your soft place to fall when the rest of the world abandons you… [denies you].
  3. Divorce has no closure. A divorced person experiences the loss and the humiliation over and over and over…
  4. Divorce is a gut-level accuser. Night and day, the spousal rejection hauntingly whispers, ‘You are a loser. You are unlovable. You are a failure. You deserve to be alone. Life is over. You will never be loved again.’ Satan loves divorce. It’s a superb weapon of soul-deep destruction. 
  5. Divorce becomes an identity. One of the most humiliating tasks for me was being labeled ‘divorced’ rather than ‘married.’…
  6. Divorce takes only one, when marriage takes two. Just because the sin of divorce has occurred, it doesn’t mean both spouses have sinned in this way. …One spouse can destroy the marriage, no matter how hard the other is trying.
  7. Divorce isn’t always initiated by the guilty party. …I’ve found that the men and women who didn’t want to be divorced are often the ones to legally file. These are individuals married to someone who doesn’t love them, the kids, or God enough to do the hard work to keep the marriage alive. But the culpable one doesn’t want the guilt associated with divorce, so he or she will often withhold money, child support, visitation, etc. to force the other spouse into taking legal action. That way they can say—and manipulate others into believing—'I didn’t file for divorce, my ex did.’
  8. Divorce causes those affected to dread Sundays. Walking into church witnessing all the nice families and loving couples was a stark reminder of how abandoned I was….
  9. Divorce can strengthen and weaken faith.
  10. Divorce is an opportunity for the church to reach the broken.” [paraphrasing in the following] Pastors and/or counseling leadership in every church should be prepared to reach out. They need to give biblical advice, provide questions to think about, Bible passages to study, prayers to plead. They need to be a source of encouragement and guidance. 

I loved the way my church stood with me and my children throughout the long years of separation, divorce, and life after divorce. They were compassionate and affirming, and warmly displayed the love of God to us. Unfortunately, this is not always the norm. It is often difficult for us to minister to others when we have not experienced what they are going through, and when we might even be a bit judgmental about their situation.

“ Every Christian has a responsibility to understand the hurting among their brothers and sisters in Christ. ”

 

I say that because I was that person in many instances in my earlier life. The old Indian proverb, “Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins,” always resonated with me; but being able to give unconditional compassion to others only came about when I fully understood who I was in Christ, and appreciated that we are all equally needy of Him.

My ministry blog, posting on February 20 will list helpful resources for those who are experiencing or have experienced divorce.

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