Out of the darkness of abortion comes a story to commemorate the lives saved since Roe v. Wade was enacted 47 years ago this month. Pray for more stories like this one to keep occurring.
Our story began 14 years ago when Jesse and I first met. We fell in love hard and fast. It was as if we had been searching for each other and once we found each other, life started making sense. There was an immediate depth to our relationship, and we both knew that we had found the loves of our lives. Yet, at the time, neither of us was seeking to live for the Lord. I was battling a drug addiction that had me in bondage, and I was struggling to find purpose for my life. These factors had complicated our relationship and we parted. We had been separated for three years when Jesse and I decided to reunite and spend a week in Santa Rosa, California, where he was living. Our plan was to determine during that week what our future should be.
“ Our plan was to determine during that week what our future should be. ”
In California, Jesse and I agreed, once and for all, we were going to move on in our lives without one another. But God had different plans! Six weeks later, I called Jesse to tell him that we were pregnant. I was devastated, Jesse was terrified. We were 3,000 miles apart and were supposed to be moving on. After a couple weeks of discussion about what to do, I told Jesse I wanted to get an abortion. I was unable to imagine my life with a baby to care for. I wasn’t even able to care for myself. Jesse supported my decision and told me that either way would be fine with him. So, I scheduled the appointment.
“ Six weeks later, I called Jesse to tell him that we were pregnant. I was devastated, Jesse was terrified. ”
Leading up to the procedure, I decided to watch videos on the actual process of abortion. I told myself, If I can watch these videos and still decide to move forward, then it must be the right thing to do. At the same time, I felt so unworthy and scared to be given such a precious thing as a life. There were people from California to Pennsylvania praying for my baby’s life.
“ I told Jesse I wanted to get an abortion. I was unable to imagine my life with a baby to care for. ”
Nevertheless, I went to my appointment. At the clinic, a crowd of people were rallying, shouting things and praying for life. Out of all the noisy chatter I heard one thing: “You may not feel worthy, but your baby is!” This is when I knew God was beginning to speak louder and clearer to me. He was using others to allow me to hear His voice. I went into the clinic and waited for about 30 minutes or so, and just felt so uncomfortable—many feelings of regret. Nothing felt right.
“ There were people from California to Pennsylvania praying for my baby’s life. ”
The nurse called my name and we went back to the room where the procedure would take place. I grew more and more uneasy. The nurses were talking to one another about plans they had for the weekend. It felt as though, for what was about to happen, that should not be what they were talking about in front of me. My nurse gave me Tylenol and said she would be doing an ultrasound before the procedure started. I asked the nurse if she could turn the monitor so I could see it. She told me that it wouldn’t be a good idea. I emphatically stated that I wanted to see the monitor. Visibly annoyed, she finally turned the monitor and I saw my baby for the first time.
“ It felt as though, for what was about to happen, that should not be what they were talking about in front of me. ”
It was at that moment, I changed my mind. Suddenly, I had the courage to stand up and get off of that table. I knew that my baby was not supposed to die that day. God walked me through this process and showed up for me. He met me where I was, right there in an abortion clinic. That day, He not only saved my baby’s life, He saved mine.
“ Visibly annoyed, she finally turned the monitor and I saw my baby for the first time. ”
It took the rest of my pregnancy to truly bond with my baby. The shame and guilt that came with those thoughts to abort really had a grip on me. The day my son was born was the day I realized how important my decision was to keep my child. That day, I realized that this life is so much bigger than me, and God had given me this baby to love. What I didn’t realize until later, was that God would use my son to radically change my life and begin to teach me my worth.
“ Suddenly, I had the courage to stand up and get off of that table. I knew that my baby was not supposed to die that day. ”
What I continue to learn in life is that our plans are not the blueprints for our lives. When I surrender my plans to Him, He reveals that His plans are so much better than I could ever imagine. Had I made a different decision about my pregnancy, my life would have looked completely different. My son, Liam, would not have been born; I would never have known this beautiful life that God created.
“ What I didn’t realize until later, was that God would use my son to radically change my life and begin to teach me my worth. ”
Since submitting to God’s will that day, He has brought fulfilment and joy to my life. I married the love of my life, Jesse. We now also have a daughter, Cora, and our life is more beautiful than I could have imagined. The road is not always easy, and there have been plenty of growing pains—but I am grateful for this life.
“ When I surrender my plans to Him, He reveals that His plans are so much better than I could ever imagine. ”
“ I am grateful for this life. ”
I am reminded of Isaiah 43:2-3. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you.”
Liam
The Kozak family--Jesse, Chelsea, Liam and Cora (front center)
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